It’s common knowledge that you learn everything you need to know to live a fulfilling life from TV shows and movies–after all, why would you need to pay taxes when you could live a Robin Hood lifestyle?

I learned how to cook from “Ratatouille.” I learned the bits and bobs of being a detective from Sherlock Holmes. I learned how to prank my coworkers watching “The Office.” I learned how to fend for myself watching “Bungou Stray Dogs.”

Similarly, the original “Mulan” (1998) taught me so many things.

It taught me how to be as swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon and strength of a raging fire. It taught me how to be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon. It taught me how to bring honor to me, my family and my cow.

The only thing I learned from the live-action Mulan (2020) is that Disney inevitably sucks the life out of its remakes and their viewers. Of course, what better way to do this than to take away the music from the original movie? Why waste time on catchy tunes when you can have slow-motion fight scenes and emotionless acting? Watching a Disney movie without characters randomly singing their hearts out is like going to a concert and finding out the band forgot their instruments, right?

After removing the magic of music, they added a completely different kind of magic – by adding a random witch – which changed the plot entirely. I mean, why stick to the original plot when you could reinvent the wheel? By adding the witch, they changed the plot so much that I initially thought I was watching the wrong movie. I watched a new, different version of the movie, from a new perspective. How tragic!

So, according to Disney, witchcraft and war is fine, but talking dragons are not. This brings me to my most important, most pressing concern: the fact that they removed Mushu. How can we not be outraged after this heinous crime?

Mushu, the fun loving dragon who helps Mulan, was a fan favorite and the only thing keeping the movie together. It certainly wasn’t the captivating writing, or the iconic plot that truly made the original Mulan a success – no, it was the tiny red dragon.

Removing Mushu was a mistake, one that most likely will have a lasting impact on humanity. Viewers are rioting, fanbases are being torn apart and our beloved dragon is nowhere to be seen. Without talking dragons, how would we know how to play nice with the other kids?

We must fix this. After all, dear readers, this is serious business – Disney thinks that talking dragons are so last century, but honestly? They’re just as relevant as David Hasselholf. We have to make sure this issue is solved promptly; imagine the impact it would have on future generations if left unattended to!

Forget about global warming, political scandals or even the correct way to pronounce “GIF.” No, our most pressing issue to discuss is Disney’s audacity to not recreate a movie exactly as the original, because that’s exactly how art is meant to be created: in a sterile, untouchable vacuum, with no room for creativity or new ideas whatsoever.

In conclusion, the live-action “Mulan” offers a fresh take on the classic tale by erasing everything that made the original so iconic. What a tragedy, especially since our main source of education is from television and the internet and our lives revolve around an animated children’s movie from 1998.

We should all take the initiative to solve this urgent problem by boycotting Disney, and getting down to business to defeat the Huns – ahem, the keyboard warriors on the internet – because it is our duty to avenge the clear injustice meted out to this beloved movie, since it’s certainly more important than the Calculus homework you’ve been putting off for the past week.

Someone call the United Nations – this situation is escalating and it is escalating fast! Who’s the next victim of this terrible massacre of the original plot? “The Little Mermaid,” perhaps?

The hate surrounding the new “Mulan” is a beacon of hope for us all. Let’s continue to be upset about every little detail, no matter how tiny. After all, there’s nothing more tragic than your favorite childhood movie being inevitably butchered by a massive company that cares about nothing but profit. Nothing at all.